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I can't believe I went this long without even thinking of trying anything anal. But I also went this long loving blowjobs but never thinking to go for the balls with my mouth! On the topic of blowjobs, according to the History of the Orgasm book, the word blowjob probably came from 'below job'. As a young woman I could never figure out where the actual 'blow' part fit in and worried that I was missing as a step! At the checkout stand at the grocery store today I noticed more magazine covers mentioning anal sex. In fact, let me fall asleep or die having sex, if there's a choice. She stood there with her 18" waist, apron tied tightly over her dress, tenderly placing the vibrator on her poor sore neck while stirring a pot on the stove. I was so confused by my raging sex drive that I really needed some sort of validation that I wasn't going nuts. This onslaught of lust and desire has been intriguing but startling at times. And six months ago I would have never ever imagined I would feel this way. And getting really knitty gritty sexual and free means doing exactly what I want to do. I don't find anything sexy in the 'ram it into the whore's ass' kind of talk. And I am underwhelmed by how our culture acknowledges female sexuality: that horrific and unfair gap between modesty and slutdom.

This month on the cover of Cosmo it says, "the male G-spot (your sexiest search ever! Some of those readers may be very surprised to learn where that search leads them. I always imagined her going to town on herself when the photo shoot was done. I pause for a moment wondering if the Caveman could hear the buzzing sound from downstairs. It embarrasses me a bit to admit I was that far from just being able to accept and rejoice in what I was and am going through, but it's true. Here I find myself with this huge, relentless sex drive and I don't know any woman in my life I can talk with about it.

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Although I suspect I'll end up having several I like. He didn't but I darn near got off at the thought of it. I love the how the feeling doesn't vary: it just hums along at the Damn, this feels good level. I wanted a cool shower but there wasn't enough time. To get an orgasm from the vibrator this way (kneeling over it, hands free), I have to stay absolutely still in one position, no matter how weak or strong the feeling is. I just wanted a place to work out everything we've been going through. I'm not into the Playboy looks and the fantasy scenes. I don't even like to shop and we don't spend money we don't have (which is why I haven't purchased the sex toys yet).

I know I'll want an anal vibrator eventually because it's both the fullness and the gentle movement that really gets me. I did a lot of digging and heavy lifting but I didn't want to overdo it knowing that we'd have the house to ourselves for sex last night. Sleep is never the same without an orgasm or more first. I scrubbed my grubby hands clean (how do they get so dirty with gloves on? I removed my clothes and got the hand mirror to look at my pussy under the guise of checking my IUD. The vibrator isn't going to follow me around like a penis or a hand to finish the job. The thought of having to stay still when I want to escape the intensity gets me turned on. The one I used many years ago had a photo of a 1950's housewife on the box. I close my eyes and lower my pussy onto my little buzzing friend, as if fucking on top but it's just me and the vibrator. Somewhere where I could talk about sex, our sex life, the changes I'm going through, without worrying about anyone's reaction or judgement. And it all seems so devoid of tenderness and proper lubrication. Not to say any of that isn't normal or good for others, but it's just not me.

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I should have guessed that once I started using sex toys I'd want more. It has a good feel but I'd like the next one to be something that screams major penetration. But the persistent vibration draws all my attention to one central location. My hips are almost to the floor, down between my bent legs. My nipples harden, sending a sharp grabbing feeling through both breasts. It's like I've mentally tied myself up and had my way with me. I'm a shy person (yes, I'm longwinded in my writing, but I am actually very shy and socially phobic as well).




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